NaBloPoMoFo and Denial: Talk Amongst Yourselves

I've decided I'm going to do this:



Which means if you know me in Real Life you might want to skip the month of February because SHIT is about to get MORE REAL THAN IT USUALLY DOES.

There will be talk of EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and MY LADY GARDEN.

And Real Life People, remember that if you try to talk to me about what you've read then I will do what I usually do when you try to talk to me about my blog: pretend I have no idea what you are talking about. 

DENIAL is my best friend and also a river in Egypt.

So is the CAPS LOCK.

Well, it's my best friend, not a river in Egypt.

Probably.

P.S. Today is my birthday. It's a big one. Gulp.

It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...like a fungus that just won't go away. A pretty one.

Guys?

Hey.

How's it going.

Sick of me yet? Just wait for February! POSTING EV'RRRRRYDAY, BITCHES! (More on that tomorrow.)

So.

Remember that thing that I did with my Internet Bestie and Soul Mate? That thing that we kind of abandoned when other things came up and/or we started spending time at other places? You know, like this and that and this and that?

Well, it's back.

Take a look? If you want. No pressure or anything. It's just a simple little blog post, minding its own business on the Internet and looking fucking fabulous while doing it.

Life is a puzzle and I'm going to play it all night long. Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah.

Have you ever thought of life in terms of a puzzle?

As in, there are all these pieces that go together if you could just find the right combination, your life would be complete?

Like how exciting it is when you immediately find the piece you need while other times you have to search and search and search until you find the right piece?  For example, when you are buying a house and the first one you see is The One? Or those Other Times when you are trying to find a dress to effectively hide your Thunder Thighs and you try on every dress in the entire world but nothing works so you just end up crying in your closet, alone, with a bag of potato chips and your iPhone and as you are scrolling through your reader, which is foggy because of the tears and the grease from the potato chips, you see The One on a fashion blog, so you order it even though it costs $200 because YES! YOU FINALLY FOUND IT! HUZZAH! 

How about that feeling you get when you find the one that was missing and you snap it in and there is such delight at your accomplishment? Or in my case, how I tap on it incessantly until someone notices that I got a piece to fit, which is kinda like posting a humblebrag on facebook and resharing it everyday until someone likes it or leaves a comment or posting pictures of your baby every hour of the day, tagging people that aren't even with you in them so they get the notifications and can like your pictures, because obviously your baby is the cutest baby in the entire world and you are doing them a favor by flooding their page with cute baby pictures. Ahem.

Or when someone comes along and moves your puzzle because they want to eat at the table as if that is the only function of a dining room table and some of the pieces break off...so you have to remember where they went? This is kind of like when you get dumped (by some asshole, who you are obviously better off without but at the time you are devastated) and if you're lucky that move actually caused a piece you had in the wrong place to be freed so you can put in the right piece (like Your One True Love).

When I work on puzzles with other people I always take one piece and hide it because I want to be the one to put that last piece in. I'm terribly competitive. I think that's kind of like death - the final piece - and it's all yours - except nobody really wins so maybe I need to rethink that analogy.

What is the most frustrating is when your puzzle is almost done and you are a missing a piece so you crawl around trying to find it and either the dog ate it or someone threw it away or you forgot where you hid it. That is what I imagine it's like if you go before your time and you are a ghost, hanging out in limbo, watching everybody go on with their lives and occasionally annoying the shit out of them by stealing their puzzle pieces.

I need more sleep.

Everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms.

This morning was tough (in the category of first world problems).

My gorgeous haircut that I was so super excited about on Saturday left me feeling horrible this morning after I couldn't style it the way that my stylist did.

Saturday:

Today:

My darling baby and I had a wonderful night together, getting up every 2 hours or so, so that the last time I nursed her was around 4:30 a.m.

When I woke up at 7:10 a.m. (Very Late!) it didn't leave me with much time to nurse her. I nursed her for about 5 minutes when a combination of gas and distractions caused her to break off and latch back on several times. With the mounting pressure to leave the house, I gave in and handed her over to my sister so she could give her a bottle.

The baby started crying when I did this, which means I did too.

This is from New Year's Eve when she was crying because of That Hat but I thought I would give you a visual of what I was experiencing this morning. You're welcome.

To sum this up: my hair is so ugly that I should just shave it off and my baby hates me and you do too, probably.

The end.

Dirty?

Picture it, The Master Bedroom, 2013.

The Husband is rearranging our room for, like, the hundredth time since September (because I can't! stop! shopping!) to make room for our newest baby product (the co-sleeper that attaches to the bed).

The Kid: You guys really need to Feng Shui this room.

The Husband: More like we need to Wang Chung tonight.

The Kid: What's that? It sounds dirty.

Buy! All! The! Things!

When I was pregnant and off work for those few weeks before the baby arrived, I spent a lot of time reading everything that exists on the entire Internet in regards to newborns and infants. I looked at list after list, making sure that every single thing on every single list was on my registry. And I was so very diligent...spending countless hours reading reviews to make sure I was only picking the best.

However, once our little bundle of joy arrived, I started to realize that perhaps I hadn't read the ENTIRE Internet because when I'd go to order something on Amazon they would show me what other items people who bought the item I was buying also bought...and, well, gosh darn it, those people must have known what they are doing so I'll get that too. And once I found the Amazon app for my iPhone, I could do all of my shopping while nursing by just tapping a little button...it made it so easy to Buy! All! The! Things! While convenient (Amazon doesn't care if you haven't showered in 3 days and you are not wearing a top), I didn't make the best decisions when I was exhausted and nursing at 3 a.m. My late night purchases made the dogs (all the deliveries!), my husband (all the boxes!), and me (DAMN DOGS SHUT THE FUCK UP OR YOU WILL WAKE THE BABY!) crazy.

So, to save you from suffering this same fate, I'm making a list. I've checked it twice. I've found out what was naughty and what was nice. I basically lost my mind so you wouldn't have to lose yours.You're welcome. I hope you enjoy the gift. That's all you're going to get. And maybe a pair of socks. Really nice socks. From Target.

THE LIST TO END ALL LISTS OF THINGS YOU DON'T EXACTLY NEED FOR YOUR NEWBORN BUT SURE ARE NICE:

1. aden + anais swaddle blankets - totally worth the price.
2. Wipe warmer (I got the Munchkin Warm Glow Wipe Warmer ) - I like it it because it has a handy nightlight for those middle of the night please don't wake up all the way diaper changes.
3. Outfits with pants that have footies. Like this one: Carter's Pink Elephant 3 Piece Cardigan Layette Set. Socks on a baby is a great way to practice squats but not so great at keeping their tiny feet warm when they fall off and you don't notice until their foot has turned to ice because you are still running the AC even though it's November because you are still hormonal and this has to be the worst constructed sentence in the history of sentences.
4. Sleepers that zip. These will do: Gerber Girls Zip Front Sleep 'N Play. Buttons on an sleeper during middle of the night diaper changes be driving me crazy.
5. Pacifiers. We bought The First Years GumDrop Newborn Pacifier. And we bought a lot. By we, I mean me. I don't want to hear from any experts who say babies shouldn't have them before 4 weeks...your nipples are not the ones that are sore. But you do what you want. :D
6. Pacifier clip to clip to your shirt so that when the baby spits it out, you don't have to bend over to get it. I like this one: Booginhead Pacigrip.
7. Pacifier wipes for those times when you don't know where the clip is and the pacifier drops and you step on it and want to make sure your foot fungus doesn't make it into your baby's mouth. I'm partial to these: Munchkin Arm and Hammer Pacifier Wipes.
8. Rock and Play - I had this one: Fisher-Price SnugaMonkey Deluxe Newborn Rock 'n Play Sleeper next to our bed but it required me to sit up (gasp!) to pick her up and now that I'm back at work, that just ain't happenin'...so it stays downstairs for day use now.
9. Arm's Reach Mini Co-Sleeper Bassinet ... this is a recent purchase that I wish I had bought earlier! It is SO VERY NICE not to have to get out of bed to nurse in the middle of the night. I had to move my nightstand but it is totally worth it.
10. Boogie Wipes. Some for the baby and some for you. My nose is so happy now. Also, saline drops (we love the Little Noses Stuffy Nose Kit to get out the crusties).
11. GAS DROPS. Buy stock in Little Tummys Gas Relief Drops! May I suggest bringing them with you to the hospital? Because when our baby was screaming in pain and I asked if they could give her something to help with gas, the nurse thought she could but once she checked she was told no because they want babies to blah blah blah I forgot because whatever. Fuck that noise! The pediatrician at her first check up said it was fine to give them to her so bring them with you! Give them to your baby! Make the crying stop! If she can get them on day 2 with you at home, she can get them on day 2 in the hospital! It's your baby - you do what you want! IN YOUR FACE, HOSPITAL. Can you tell I'm bitter about this?  (SIDE NOTE: We also used Colic Calm and while it seems to work...it stains...and I hate doing laundry.)
12. A nursing pillow...I have 2 of the Boppy Bare Naked Pillow...and 4 covers...yes, that's one Boppy for each floor...plus I have a Boppy Travel Pillow that stays in the car. I know I'm spoiled. But it has saved me (aka my husband) from having to go downstairs in the middle of the night because he (me) forgot to bring it up...and it's nice not to struggle to nurse the baby in the car using the diaper bag and my purse for support.
13. How could I forget a nursing stool? I have the that Medela makes and I love it.
14. iPhone users...Baby Connect app is were it is AT. Don't bother with those other apps - this one has it all!

I think that's it for now. If I think of more, I'll update the list because I don't want to disappoint my ones of readers.

Smooches.

Disclaimer: the links to these products are through the amazon affiliates program which means I get monies (I'm rolling in pennies...2 of them) if you click and buy. If you don't want to, you don't have to...I won't be mad. Swearsies.

And I feel...fine?

Today is my third day back to work. At this moment, my boobs are hooked up to the milking machine. I decided that rather than continue to sift through the thousands of e-mails I received while I was on maternity leave, I would take this time to come to my space, (not MySpace...that shit won't be cool again for at least another 10 years) to write down All! Of! The! Feelings!

It's been kinda weird to take my boobs out at work three times a day (before I left I would only take them out like, twice a day, TOPS). I guess it'd be even weirder if I didn't have a private office (Oh...I'm sorry, do my boobs offend you? TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO.) (My sister and I like to have imaginary fights with people. It's kind of a hobby.) (I know, enough with the parens!)

The days leading up to Day 1 were tough...when it arrived...I only cried a little as I left the house. My sister said I was probably more upset that I had to go back to work rather than being upset about leaving the baby. (She might be a little bit right...why couldn't I have been born rich instead of beautiful?!)

Day 2 was easier...I was ready to go when my mom arrived to carpool to work (by ready I mean dressed) and I actually made it to my desk only 10 minutes late! (A personal best!) UPDATE/NEWS FLASH/PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY. I NEGLECTED TO SAY THAT I ALSO GOT TO TALK TO LAUREN, THE ONE WHO IS THE SYRUP ON MY PANCAKE, THE PUMPKIN SPICE IN MY LATTE, AND THE OVALTINE IN MY MILK. (I think I might be a little hungry.)

Day 3 arrived and SHIT GOT REAL.

The baby didn't sleep her usual 11-6 (by "usual", I mean 3 times - 2 of those times being the night before Day 1 and Day 2). I was up with a Very Fussy Baby until about 12:45 a.m. until my sister rescued me (husband was working). I managed to get a good 3 hours of sleep before the baby woke up again around 4 a.m. (GAWD, she's SUCH a baby!) for some mama time. "We" fell "asleep" in the lazy boy until about 6 a.m. Please take special note of the quote marks.

I was only going to lay down for 20 minutes.

Just 20 little minutes to work out that kink in my neck and rest my dry little eyes.

Just 20 little minutes to make me feel like a human being again.

The next thing I know it's 7:30 a.m. and my mom has arrived (with Starbucks!) to carpool to work...and I'm still in bed.

So that is why my hair looks like this today:

And why I have that stupid look on my face.

I'd say that OVERALL going back to work hasn't sucked as much as it could have (THANK YOU 8 LB 6 OZ BABY JESUS for making the stars align so that my sister and her fiancee moved in with us and did not go to a land FAR, FAR AWAY...AND that she agreed to quit her job to watch my kids!) I am much more relaxed this time around...with my first...I was a mess and there are so many feelings of guilt surrounding going back to work that I just can't get into right now because it's been 20 minutes and my boobs are empty.

Too much information?

You should expect that by now.