NaBloPoMoNoMo

It's the last day of NaBloPoMoFoSho which makes it officially NaBloPoMoNoMo! And I did it! IN YOUR FACE. (That is directed at my face, yes I'm "in your face-ing" my own face. It's a complicated relationship that I have with myself.)

In honor of the last day of this daily blogging experience I have decided to give you a break from my words (except for these ones right here) and share two pictures from Thanksgiving that will not embarrass my parents (that's all I have that are "safe"). Yes, it was that kind of Thanksgiving. Maybe when I've recovered from the trauma (and shame) of saying or hearing words like "penis" and "vagina" and "in my pants" in front of my 70-something aunt and uncle (not to mention my own parents and 12 year old kid) I will be able to tell you the tales of a game called Loaded Questions (which should *not* be played under the influence of alcohol in mixed company lest you want to find yourself cut out of the will and/or served with divorce papers).




 

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep blogging daily. Maybe. Maybe not. The suspense, it's killing you, right? Will she? Won't she? Has she completely lost it? Will she find it? Is it in the couch cushions? Does she really think she is that funny? Why is she still asking herself questions?

Tune in tomorrow to find out! Same mad time, same mad channel.

Adieu!

Take a look! It's in a book!

Two more days of daily blogging (counting today)...I think I can...I think I can...

I love that book, The Little Engine That Could.

I'm loving some other books right now - The Hunger Games. (Anybody reading this that might purchase me Christmas gifts - I really want the hardcover boxed set, for my collection, pretty please.)

If you haven't read these yet what is wrong with you?! They are absolute MUST reads even if you don't plan on seeing the first movie (comes out in March 2012 - squee!)

I'm almost done reading them (on my Kindle, for the second time) so I've gotta keep this short because I want to finish the last book before I give The Twilight Saga one more try. I'm told if I can get through book 2 that I will like the rest...we'll see. I am a big fan of Reasoning with Vampires...so I'm slightly skeptical on Meyer's ability to write a good book.

I love reading. It's my favorite escape. It helps me forget, even if only for a little while, about whatever ails me.

P.S. Reading Rainbow is one of my favorite shows because of that song right there and also because I loved Star Trek and it was nice to see Geordi without the banana clip across his eyes. That was not a good look for you, LeVar.

P.P.S. I may be trying to forget that as I was singing the song from the movie Madagascar 2 called Big and Chunky (tonight, in the car, with my mom and the kid) and I sang "I like them big, I like them chunky," that my kid, who almost caused my mother to wreck the car because she (MY MOTHER) was laughing hysterically, said, "Dad likes them chunky, too."

P.P.P.S. I know that is the most horribly constructed sentence ever but the wounds are still fresh, Internet.

P.P.P.P.S. RUDE.

A thousand tiny elves.

For the last five and a half days my jaw has not ached nor has my head pounded to the beat of a thousand tiny elves hammering inside my head.

I took one step into the building at work today and the elves returned. Jerks.

A Thousand Tiny Elves + A Thousand Tiny Hammers + Work = Tension Jaw/Headache. I think the math on this one is simple. I avoid Work and I avoid the pain. Simple logic, right?

If it were only that simple. And I was independently wealthy.

I love my job (just in case anybody from work stumbles across this post) and I love (some of) the people at said job but I love writing a thousand times more. I love being creative and witty and funny with my words and having you read those words and laugh at those words and mostly not report me to HR for being "inappropriate" with those words.

Writing never makes a thousand tiny elves appear inside my head unless I'm writing a story about a thousand tiny elves that live inside my head which I probably wouldn't because the thought of a thousand tiny elves kind of freaks me out.  I don't even like the garden gnomes we have - they look at me funny.

My point in all of this is that I don't have a point - I'm just whining. I'm sorry. Come back tomorrow after I've found a way to get a thousand tiny shots of vodka inside my head. A thousand tiny drunk elves has to be better than a thousand tiny elves with hammers. It just has to be.

Jusqu'à demain.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: In My Head.

I had pumpkin pie for breakfast. It was not a good idea because now my stomach hurts. I really need a manicure. I have so much to do. I really want my house to be cleaned top to bottom but I do not have the energy or motivation or desire to do it myself. My husband won't let me hire anybody to clean because "why pay someone to do something that you can do yourself?" Um, because I don't want to do it myself! But I probably will. Eventually. Maybe next weekend? My bedroom has still not recovered from my sickness a few weeks ago and I desperately need to go through all of the mail and papers and schoolwork that has accumulated over the last few months. If my dog pees on my couch one. more. time. I will have him replaced. I want to put my Christmas tree up today but the thought of having to deal with all those dusty boxes is kind of overwhelming. It's kind of like when I bake - I like to bake - but I hate to clean up and sometimes the thought of having to clean up completely overrides my desire to bake. I hate that something so simple makes me overwhelmed. I can't believe it took me five minutes to write this drivel. I'll try to be more creative next week. Maybe.






This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules.

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only. 
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. 
• No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw. 
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible. 
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post. Link up your post on all.things.fadra. 
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Post title goes here.

This window for a "new post" has been open for the last hour and no words have magically appeared - what the hell magical elves? You're fired.

I'm still paying for my adventures yesterday - my feet and back ache - and my brain is having a hard time making those things on the end of my hands push those buttons on this board that has letters and makes words. What's it called again? Seriously, I can't remember.

I slept until late morning, played Harry Potter Lego (I'm at 98%!) and am now cuddling on the couch with the family. My very sick kid (since Tuesday - pobrecita) has control of the remote and is making us watch Pokemon. We were going to put up Christmas decorations today but our assess made such a lovely connection with the couch that we couldn't bear to break them up. Maybe tomorrow.

Oh - they're called fingers! And keyboards!

Here are two photos I took yesterday while I was shopping. Just for you, Internet.

What is wrong with today's youth?! You are in public! PULL UP YOUR PANTS!



I can't wait to see what kind of treat I get on December 18!





















That's it from me today - I've got to run - it's time for me to do more of nothing.

Smooch.

Never Again: a retrospective of Black Friday.

Today I'm over at Off the Deep End talking about my Black Friday experience...considering that I didn't wake up until about a half an hour ago and there are leftovers calling my name...I'm wearing my yoga pants for the rest of the day.

UPDATE:
Mom just called. Wants to go back out. Hold me.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
I went back out after I posted this and got home around 7:30 p.m. - it wasn't as crazy as it was at midnight but still does not change my mind - Cyber Monday is the way to go.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE - TOP 5 THINGS TO DO IF YOU DECIDE TO IGNORE MY ADVICE AND GO SHOPPING AT MIDNIGHT NEXT YEAR:

1. Do not carry a heavy purse. Opt for just the wallet and phone. Or a messenger bag. Never a fanny pack.
2. Do not get drunk before, during, and after Thanksgiving dinner. In addition to being extremely tired, you'll feel like you're going to hurl. If you do hurl, go towards the front of the line to do it - they'll leave and you'll move up in line.
3. Don't wear a heavy coat/sweatshirt - once you get in the store there will not be a cart for you and you'll have to carry a lot of stuff that will make you very, very hot and miserable. Freeze while you're in line. It will keep you awake. 
4. Go through the ads, go to the store the day before to find out where that thing will be and/or hide the things you want to buy somewhere else in the store (a salesperson at one store actually suggested that to my mom and sister -- he said they wouldn't straighten up the store beforehand -- they didn't!) and go get that thing and get in line. Immediately. 
5. Don't take it so seriously. Go with people who are fun and have a sense of humor and are as drunk as you.

If you don't follow these rules you may wake up in the morning looking like this:

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Here are some cards that I found just for you, Internet.







Thanksgiving project, done the night before it was due, with whatever we could find in the house. As usual.
































May those of you who celebrate this holiday enjoy the day now that I've reminded you that all turkeys really want to do is what we all really want to do - live.

Deliciously.

Pinned It: mini desserts for Thanksgiving.

I'm trying really hard to be witty for you but after something like 9000 hours in the kitchen (I take the real hours I spent multiplied by how bad my feet hurt to the power of how bad my back hurts, just your basic math) I am struggling to sit upright.

Someone - me or my mother or maybe both of us - decided it'd be a good idea to do mini desserts this year. Through the magical powers of the Internet (mostly Pinterest and Google) delicious ideas were gathered. A plan was afoot.

Last night I planned on making final selections and then a list and then go to the grocery store to get the things on the list. But my plans got derailed by me not wanting to go to the store.

I did the first part - the final selections and left the making of the list and going out to the dreaded grocery store to the best husband in all the lands. (Probably because last time I made him a list it said to get five and a half pounds of cream cheese - math is hard.)

This idea? Not as fun as I imagined. Making a million tiny pie crusts was a pain in the batookie.

Here is what I started with:



And here are the results:



Mini-crusts: Make and Takes
Pumpkin pie recipe: back of the can, like a BOSS.
Pecan pie recipe: The Pioneer Woman (I burned one, so I ate it.)
Sweet Potato pie: Allrecipes
Cheesecake (fresh berries will be put on tomorrow) and Banana Pudding courtesy of Pier1.

I still have to make Turkey Cupcakes tonight. Pictures posted as soon as possible because I want to prove (to...the Internet?) that I actually did it.

Heh.

HERE THEY ARE...Worst and Less Worse (aka "Best")...

P.S. If you are on Pinterest let me know because I am always on the lookout for new boards to follow! Have you PINNED IT? TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT SO WE CAN BE AWESOME TOGETHER. Be sure to follow the sister on Pinterest - she's younger and prettier than me. You can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Flickr, and Google+. And now, The Facebook.

Breaking down for Breaking Dawn.

I have a confession. Ever since the newest Twilight movie came out I have been snickering at anyone who is over the age of 15 and was excited about seeing this movie. I did it behind your backs because it would be rude to do it to your face. It's called manners, people.

Today I left work early because the husband was not feeling well and was attempting to work from home and the kid had a friend spend the night and they wanted to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I and she rarely has friends over so I am more permissive when that happens even though I'm pretty permissive to begin with and work was really slow and I have vacation time and you know what why am I trying to justify to the Internet why I took off from work a few hours early? The guilt, it pervades my life and makes me write run-on sentences.

The Twilight Saga. Ugh. I tried to read the books - I couldn't - and I NEVER give up on a book. I saw the first few movies...they were...tolerable. This is the one case where if there was an epic battle between books vs. movies, the movies would win. That's not saying much, in my humble opinion (if you liked them, that's okay...we can still be friends, if you want).

I teased the girls the entire way to the movie theater. Are you going to swoon over Jacob? Are you going to scream if he takes off his shirt? Do you even appreciate the sacrifice I'm making to take you to this horrible movie?

The kid's friend said it was "sooo gooood" and that I would change my mind once I saw it but my kid once told me that Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed was "sooo gooood" too. Needless to say, my expectations were not very high.

YOU GUYS.

I loved this movie.

I really, really did.

I would see it again.

And I can't wait for the next one.

GASP.



It's rated PG-13 but I took an 11 year-old (who had already seen it with her mother) and my 12 year-old. Personally, I could have used less naked, kissing time...but it was tastefully done and not too traumatic for the 11-12 set, again, in my humble opinion. I have a lot of humble opinions, apparently.


UPDATED TO ADD:


Guess I know where I'll be sitting on Thursday.

Surprise, kids! It's time for a pop quiz!

When you get to day eleventy-billion of NaBloPoMoFoSho you start to get a bit fatigued. I was lamenting that I was struggling to figure out what to write about today - I didn't want to call upon my usual bag o' tricks (Siri, babymakers, youtubes, etc.) because - well, I didn't want to, okay? Enough with the questions! [editor's note: except for the ones in this post, of course.]

My dear friend Lauren said I should do a quiz and she would write the questions (she did a pop quiz on her blog today - check it out - I'll wait). She worked on these questions for me even though she's had to pee for the last 3 hours. If she gets a bladder infection it's totally my fault. I told her to send me her paypal address - antibiotics will be on me. Then she informed me that "Sometimes, it goes straight to a kidney infection - do not pass go, do not collect $200."

This post just got very pricey.

Here it is, folks. Enjoy.

Question #1: Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not? 
OMG YES! Have you seen The X-Files? The truth is out there! My family has a history of paranormal experiences and I grew up listening to their stories. The first time I personally experienced something was when I was a teenager and I was asleep in the attic of my grandparents house. I woke up suddenly and there was just this...figure...standing next to my bed. I couldn't move. I closed my eyes and prayed for it to go away. I rationalized that I wasn't seeing anything...BUT I knew something was there.  There have also been times that I'm in my parents closet and I suddenly smell my great-grandmother...she smelled like Porter's Salve and Caress soap. Those kind of experiences are comforting...the other one? Not so much! I refuse to watch scary movies or trailers for scary movies especially if I'm home alone at night (which is RARE). When I am all alone I will go into rooms and say (like, for reals, out loud) "Ghosts, please leave! I don't want you here!"...I know it's insane in the brain but it makes me feel better.

Question #2: How many times a day do you look into a mirror? 
                a) Once
                b) Several
                c) Do reflections in my monitor count?
B. Several. I have to keep a close watch for any errant facial hairs. Also, it's hard to look away from such beauty.

Question #3: If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Because money does grow on trees - it's made of paper and paper comes from trees which grow on land that the bank owns, probably. Banks love owning things.

Question #4: Why are pants, shoes, socks called “A pair of...” but a bra is not? 
I don't know. Sometimes you don't know the answer to a question and it's okay to say that. It is. My teacher said so. I usually just call bras "fun-bag holders" or "boulder holders." I like to do this mostly when I'm in public with my kid in order to get the maximum embarrassment achievement unlocked.
  
Question #5: Why do people say your ass is grass? How is this possible?
Probably because it rhymes. People love to rhyme all the time. The only possible explanation I can think of where your ass would be like grass is if you have a very hairy, green ass...and if that's the case...you should take care of that, stat. 



Want to join in on the fun? Answer these questions in the comments (or on your own blog and leave me the link!) 

Do you want your own set of questions? Lauren is available for parties! [She didn't tell me this but I assume she'll be okay with it. If not, I'm sure I'll hear about it. Provided she's not in the hospital.]

UPDATED TO ADD:
Lauren would like to make it clear that she's available for a fee...and she doesn't kiss on the mouth.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Siri, Strip Down and Seriously?

Be sure to head on over to Off the Deep End and check out my first Sunday Strip Down! Because nothing goes with Sundays quite like stripping, right? (Yeah, yeah, I'm going to Hell, I know.)

---

Me: Siri, tell my husband to turn you on so that we can have an argument like this.

Siri: I don't know who your husband is.

Me: That's not what you said last night.

This video?

HYSTERICAL.

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

---

And now for my stream of consciousness-ness. It's 4:34 a.m. and I am awake and laying in bed typing this and my husband is in all likelihood going to wake up and ask me what the hell I'm doing on the Internet AGAIN. I don't have a problem, I just have a job and it's called Internetting.

I spent my Friday night and most of my Saturday in a car dealership. I hate car dealerships. I'm sorry if you work in one and I am offending you in some way but seriously I'm pretty sure that my own personal Hell will be a car dealership. I don't understand why cars have to different prices for different people. If I want to buy an iPhone I can go to any store and it's $199. It's not $299 if I buy it on the first weekend of the month and $99 if I buy it on the last weekend of the month. It's so confusing. And frustrating.

Six hours in a dealership, many more hours than that (mostly the husband) on the phone and Internet and STILL NO CAR.

No car because last night after three hours and a text to my parents proclaiming "VICTORY" the salesman came over and said, "We have a problem, I showed you the wrong car. The car I showed you is $600 more." We left. That was hard to do because it was only going to be like $8 more a month but it was the principle of the matter. They came running out after us (we had just put on our seat belts!) but we still left.

It felt good.

My POS still sits in my driveway (which deep in my heart I'm happy about because with my extreme exhaustion I might have cried last night the moment I watched it drive away...headed for the junk yard...waaaah).

Now it's time for more time on the Internet looking at more cars and dealing with more car dealerships.

Hold me.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post on all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Awkwardly yours.

I should have one of those things installed on my computer that doesn't let me send out e-mails (see below) or tweets or generally communicate with anybody (except 911, hullo, I could be KILLED) after midnight. I'm basically a human Mogwai and exhaustion is my food.

---

From: Teri Smith  

Subject: Sunday post

Date: November 19, 2011 12:25:39 AM PST

To: Cheryl, Lauren 

CHERRRRRRRRYYYYYLLLLL AND LAUUUUUUURRRENNNNNN,

HI.

Life is very sad on the Internet without you guys to chat with....saaaaaaaaad paaaaaaaaanda.

Anywho, I wrote the Sunday Strip Down* tonight because I'm so pumped full of adrenaline for telling the sales manager at the car dealership to not dick me around that I don't know what to do with all of this energy.  (We didn't get the car - I wouldn't play 4-square** with him and I boohoo'd his "I have a family to feed" bullshit -  he didn't like it.) ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT MY PROBLEMS (if you can call them that?) - the reason I was writing is to ask you to take a gander at the words that I wrote and let me know what you think. But be gentle, I'm a delicate flower.

Talk to you tomorrow, um, actually later today...in roughly 11 hours...counting the minutes. 

I hope you dreamt of me. 

(said in a very creepy voice)

Awkwardly yours,

Teri

P.S. I may have spent more time writing this e-mail than the actual post....what is wrooong with meeeee?

---

*Go to Off the Deep End tomorrow at 7 am EST to read all about that awesomeness.

**Not this foursquare (where people can really stalk you all over the world) or this four square (that would make me cry when I would get out) but this four-square (where math is involved. Also, crying.)

Born This Way

My sister has loved Lady Gaga since her first song was released. We (her loving family) would often pick on her for liking her so much (something of which I'm ashamed and I know now I was being a jerk...or as my sister aptly put it when I was talking with her on the phone today about this post,"you are a jerk." I deserved that one.) The sister would tell us, "You just see! She's going to be famous someday!" She saw Lady Gaga twice in concert - once in Vegas and once during a trip to visit family in D.C. It was after the D.C. concert that my sister told us that she got teary-eyed watching her perform and it was if Lady Gaga "was looking right at me when she was singing."

She has listened to New Kids on the Block for me on more than one occasion, so I decided to stop being a jerk and give Lady Gaga a chance. I thought maybe the mystery of why she was so obsessed with her would become clear...so I listened to Paparazzi.

I haven't stopped listening. It is clear to me now, sister. You were right. I was wrong. (Am I still a jerk?)

Poker Face (Leslie Knope, anybody?), Paper Gangsta, Monster, Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Do).

Born This Way.

I am beautiful in my way / 'Cause God makes no mistakes / I'm on the right track, baby / I was born this way.

I know people give Gaga lots of flack for dressing so weird, doing weird things, and generally just being weird. I LOVE WEIRD (read this blog, much?)

When I saw Robin Roberts interview her on NBC  (the one where she is wearing some kind of plastic mold thing on her face) I was so impressed with how passionate and smart and gracious she was that it cemented my love for Gaga.

And that is why when I saw a tweet about the Born This Way Foundation I signed up. I am helping to spread the word about this organization, founded by Lady Gaga, to provide youth with the tools and support they need to better realize their potential and to inspire a loving and accepting society.

The Born This Way Foundation’s goal is simple, to foster a world where youth are empowered, humanity is embraced, and individuality is encouraged. By empowering and inspiring our young people to promote bravery, tolerance, and acceptance, we can change the way people view those who are different from them.

I wish this foundation was around for my friend Doug and I hope you join me in spreading the word.

http://bornthiswayfoundation.org/JoinTheMovement

Merci.

Just like old times.

Last night as I was feverishly chatting with my partners in crime via IM, reading blog posts, stumbling blog posts, commenting on blog posts, editing blog posts, and generally drowning in a sea of windows, my darling daughter asked me to read a book to her.

She's 12 and she scored a 12.9 on the AR scale - highest in her class - and she wants me to read to her? (Not being braggy mcbragger pants, but hells to the yes that is college level!) 

When I told her she could read it herself because Mama was busying Internetting she worked up a sad look on her face, looked me right in the eye, and said, "Please, Mom? It will be like old times."

For the love of Ron Swanson are you seriously using "MOM GUILT" on me right now?!

I obliged.

Because I love her.

Also, because I don't want to hear five years from now about "that time I asked you to read a book and you wouldn't because you were busy watching YouTube videos from that German guy who was confused about American idioms? It made me so sad and that's why you are visiting me in jail."

The book...was weird. I asked her where she found it and she said it "was on her bookshelf, where she keeps all of her books, duh." (Kid...I oughtta...)

FOR REALS the book was really, really weird. The title is Cats and Dolls (I couldn't find it on Amazon) it's about this little girl has to go to her aunt's house to take care of the cats and dolls even though the aunt is only going to be gone one day and the cats and dolls work together to lock her out of the house and then this statue comes to life and tells her to feed them fish and make them tea and they will let her back in and while I know I have no room to talk (being a PotterHead) it just didn't make any sense that you'd have to go to take care of cats for one day - but most importantly - dolls coming to life to lock you out of the house? I'd be running out of that house screaming my head off (Really, your head would come completely off? This is not effektive.) not working with a talking statue to try to GET BACK IN.

After I was done reading this incredibly creepy and confusing book she said, "thanks, I just didn't feel like reading."

THAT KID.

Do you have a treat? I love you. I want to lick your face...SQUIRREL!

Today is Wednesday.

Just in case you weren't aware.

It's the middle of the week.

You're welcome for that tidbit, too.

This is one of my dogs.

She was hiding under my blankets while I was using the entire Internet and peaked out to say hi.

She's very pretty but not very smart. She's the only one who doesn't know what "sit" means (unless you have a treat), she won't give you her paw (blankly stares at you then gives you kisses) and literally (not a word I use lightly, folks) does not know when to come in from out of the rain (I'm okay with this because she's the only one who will go out in the rain for potty time, excellent.)

She really likes to sleep in a human bed. Preferably on your pillow so when you open your eyes in the morning you get completely freaked out and yell at her to get off your pillow but she gives you kisses and you let her stay.

Because she is cute.

But mostly because you don't want to get out of bed to put her in her cage.

Asseyez-vous, Ubu, asseyez-vous...bon chien!

Learning about your body is serious business.

Last night my kid told me that they had their lesson about human sexuality in school (I knew it was going to happen - got the notice - wanted to write back "be warned: my kid could probably teach this class") and she was really upset...but not for reasons you might think.

Her: Mom! I was only 1 of 2 girls who did not laugh! Every time the teacher said "breasts" or "testicles" the girls giggled! And I wanted to tell them THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!

Me: (giggling) Did the teacher tell them to be quiet?

Her: No. And that made me mad, too! When I grow up I'm going to be a teacher, specifically a 6th grade teacher, and when I teach this lesson I will tell them "no giggling, no laughing, just shut up."

Me: Um, that might not go over well.

Her: Well I'd tell them they need to be quiet during the show because, uh, sorry to say this, sexual organs...

Me: (giggling) ...don't be sorry - those are the right words...

Her: ...I know, it just feels weird coming out of my mouth...anyway, they need to be quiet because learning about sexual organs is serious stuff and should be treated with respect! It's not funny! They should grow up! What if they made girls who don't have breasts yet feel badly? They aren't in 5th grade anymore! Maybe it was funny in 5th grade because you are just learning about it but we're in 6th grade now and most of it was not new and there should not be giggling!

Me: (giggling) Can I put this on my blog?

Her: No. And stop giggling! You might as well be in 5th grade right now!

She told me later that I could but only if I said that you should tell your kids not to giggle when they are learning about human sexuality and the teacher says "breasts" or "testicles" because it is serious stuff. 

Signed,
A 33-year-old 5th grader.

EVENING UPDATE:
Today the girls "cracked up" when the teacher said "sperm" - not cool, girls, not cool. 

Also, just so you know, it's totally okay to crack up when you say "fallopian tubes" and you are in the car with your Mom and Gramma because "fallopian" is a funny word when you are not at school. It is a totally serious word when you are at school. Just so you know...there is a difference.


Sighing,
A 33-year old 5th grader who isn't sure what the rules are anymore.

JUMP IN!

Ya know that site I've been talking about nonstop all over this here blog and the twitter?

It's here.



We jumped.

And I have evidence. 

These are snippets of a very hard to follow conversation we had in google docs. I don't understand most of it and can't remember who said what...but this is what we went through to write one little paragraph. I pink puffy heart Cheryl and Lauren!

• pruney is not a word …. neither is pruny....prune-y? pruned? I say prune-y-ish? 
• WHERE ARE YOU? I AM UP HERE NOW, COME JOIN ME PLEASE MY LADY.
• i liked totally tubular...lol you did? only because it’s weird. and i’m weird. it reminded me of saved by the bell 
• The sun may shine for I have arrived. again. you know you missed me. there was panic in that im. oh please. lol tone is very hard to get over IM lmao whatever i did miss you shut up already! :P
• HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?
• Whatcha doin??? *Trying to keep the crazy contained. lol *Ha! And also good luck with that. 
• Bad comma before the and! (sorry me and my f*cking oxford commas!!!!! that will be a hard one to break (that’s what she said).
• ARE YOU TALKING OVER ME ON PURPOSE?  BECAUSE I WILL HAVE TO PANTS YOUR ASS IF YOU KEEP IT UP. [editor's note: she totally would, too.]

There were many, many other things that I wish I could share but I can't tell you all my secrets. Isn't it enough that you know that I have, on occasion, peed in the shower?

Check us out, subscribe to us, follow us, friend us, pin with us, hold us, and never, ever let us go.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: the nerdy embarrassing mom.

Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet, Internet.

(Internet says "WHAT!")

Hi.

I am operating on about four hours of sleep. Not because I was up all night with a sick kid. Not because I was up all night working. Not because I was up all night partying.

Unless you count playing the new Harry Potter Lego game partying.

And I do.

I am such a nerd.

Now you know.

My kid just came in and asked if there are going to be kids at Thanksgiving because if not she is going to be so bored she'll cry (being the only child and grandchild gets a little lonely.) I told her that I would be there to entertain her by talking in my very bad Italian accent and dancing an Irish jig and she told me that she will still cry because I will be so embarrassing.

I told her that's my job and then she proceeded to try to touch my face.

I don't like my face to be touched!

I'm getting the "can you please get off your computer and do something look" so it's time to go which is perfect timing because my five minutes is up, too.

More tomorrow.

It's a big day.

Off the Deep End is live!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. 

It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. 

Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post on all.things.fadra.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Saturday Shopping

Ok, I promise this will be the second to last "day of the week" titled post (tomorrow is Stream of Consciousness Sunday) but once I did Tuesday I could not skip Wednesday and Thursday and Friday. I guess I could have but it would have driven me crazy not to see it throughout the entire week. I don't know why I have this insane urge to organize things like blog post titles and not other things, like my closet.

This is not about Christmas shopping (Thanksgiving deserves its moment in the sun)...however, I will say that if anybody in my life is searching for ideas, get on your noble steed and gallop on over to Pinterest. Pay particular attention to this board or this board or this board or this board but not this board (never, ever that board.)

My husband, who is the best husband in all the lands, got up this morning and went to the grocery store (something I absolutely detest), to the pet food store for all natural, gluten-free dog food (our dogs eat better than we do), and to another store that rhymes with "nest my" to get two very nerdtastic things (it's like he knows me or something.)

I shall spend the rest of the day playing this:

And then watching this:

And also doing some work for this.

(We jump into the deep end on Monday - be there!!!)

Friday Funnies

I have stumbled across something so amazing that I cannot stop watching it.

CANNOT STOP.

No time to write.

Only watch.






And the best one.



Balls on the chair...boom. Now we are ready for some things.

Go watch them all here.

GO NOW.

Thursday Thanks

I got this idea from Kallay, a blogger I found through participating in Stream of Conciousness Sunday. I’m not going to list 101 things like she did...mostly because I’m very busy being lazy...but here are a few of the things that I’m most thankful for today.

My family - the kid, the husband, the mother, the father, the brother, the sister, their significant others, aunts, uncles, cousins, and those that only live in my heart now. I would not be where I am today without them - especially after the last few weeks! Thank you for taking care of the kid, bringing me food, taking me to the doctor, lifting my spirits, and generally being awesome.

My job - in addition to the cash money it also allows me to have great health care for the flipping eleventy billion prescriptions I’ve had lately. Seriously people, two weeks ago I walked out of the pharmacy with their largest bag - a grocery sized paper bag.  Two more days of this killer antibiotic and then I’ll be down to just my happy pills.

My newest friends - Cheryl & Lauren. The last few weeks have been an amazing experience! I’m so glad to have met you and can’t wait for our new site launch on Monday...squeeeee!!!! If you haven’t checked it out yet - please do - and be sure to follow and friend us all over the Interwebz! More! exclamation!! marks!!!

My dogs - who very, very reluctantly let the kid and I dress them up in Halloween costumes. Please enjoy this series called Annoyed, Irritated, and Angry: A Study Of Patience In Pets.

What are you thankful for? If you are writing it on your own bloggity leave me the link and I’ll check it out!

Merci.

Wednesday Wit

There was a small situation at after school care yesterday.  My kid called another kid a name because this other kid was doing something reserved for ladies who work in places with names like The Glitter Factory. While explaining her actions she said, "Mom, she's so dirty she makes the trash look clean."

This morning when the kid put on the same sweatshirt she has been wearing as a "jacket" all week and I (rather dramatically) asked her if she was really going to wear it again she told me, "Yes and if you have a problem with it take it up with my lawyer."

I took this picture when she fell asleep in the car.



Do you think she's trying to tell me something?

I think she is.

She is trying to tell me that I win at parenting.

Tuesday Snoozeday.

I'm back at Real Work in my Real Office and wearing Real Pants.

I guess it's a good thing...my yoga pants and I were becoming one.

So far my day has entailed stepping in dog pee (CURSE YOU LITTLE DOGS!), feeling guilty that my Halloween wreath is still hanging on my door, and work.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't have much to share today...so continuing on theme with yesterday...I shall share some badly taken pictures of another dog in my life.



She belongs to my parents. She's an English Mastiff, weighing in at around 140 pounds. She's always excited to see you, sweet when she wants to be, and very stubborn. She also scares the crap out of most people as she should because she will cut a bitch. The only time she scares me is when I open the door and she comes barreling down the stairs.

I LOVE HER.



When she was just a tiny little baby. Didn't even know what the word "treat" meant.

Do you have furry babies in your life? Tell me all about them so we can be weird together!

Monday, wishing it was Sunday.

The plague seems to have left my body...hallelujah!

I worked from home today because we had a follow up with the psychiatrist who saw us 20 minutes late and answered the phone three times during our appointment.  I was more than a little irritated. Our goal was accomplished though (we moved from liquid to pills - hallelujah number two!) and were able to have enough time to enjoy a nice family lunch at a place that did not have a drive thru window (halleljuah number three!) Oh, and my kid asked to bring her homework into the restaurant so she could finish it (halleljualh number four!)

I spent the rest of the day working while the kid watched The X-Files.

Right next to me.

Nightmares tonight, for sure.

Please enjoy these badly taken pictures of my brother's dogs (they came and visited on Sunday...while my brother worked on hacking our Wii for us.)

They are fiercely loyal to their humans, love snuggles unless it is too hot, and give big sloppy kisses.

They also have giant turds.



Sleeping. Or trying to...not even a little bit irritated with me and my flash. He is so sweet and lovable, unless you're trying to hurt one of his humans...then he'll cut a bitch.  LOVE HIM.



Just trying to get as close as possible to us without actually being on our laps. He is also sweet and lovable unless you are trying to hurt one of his humans...then he'll run and hide under the bed. LOVE HIM, TOO.

The wrap up.

After a week of being sick and a weekend of birthday celebrations my house is in a such a state of disarray that it has passed the point of overwhelming, therefore, to deal with this I have decided not to look at any of the mess.

If I can't see it, it's not there.

IT IS NOT THERE.

Today shall be spent on the couch, in a semi-upright position, snuggled with my kid, playing her new video game and introducing her to The X-Files. I used to get so freaked out watching just the opening sequence.

I'm not sure I thought this through.

If you are so inclined, you may catch up with me by reading about my weird teeth, the plague, this nonsense, a letter to my beautiful birthday girl, and then the morning after.

Of course you can always find me Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram, Flickr, and Google+. And now, The Facebook. 

We're still looking for writers for Off the Deep End...if you're interested go to this page right here and let us know!

The morning after.

The most delicious cupcakes in the whole world for the best little girl in the whole world.

I managed to pull myself together long enough to go to a very nice dinner with my family to celebrate the birthday girl, followed by a very quick (and smoothly operated) shopping trip with my mom (the race care driver), my sister, her boyfriend (who did very well keeping up with the race car driver), and the birthday girl (who managed to keep the money my parents gave her for her birthday for new boots and also get said new boots.)

(Yes, I'm a sucker for that kid. And, in general.) 

The night ended with those glorious cupcakes, a few rousing games of Spoons and then once the kid was in bed...other things. 

Things that I could never even begin to find words to adequately describe.

Things that I had to endure completely and entirely sober. 

Things my siblings have forbidden from sharing the video and pictures of lest I want the world to see a very embarrassing video of me singing "Caress Me Down" by Sublime.

Nobody needs to see that.

NOBODY.




P.S. We accidentally rented Horrible Bosses in the wee morning hours and it was just as funny as when I was on painkillers. But then again this time I was delirious with exhaustion but was too afraid to fall asleep because I was told that if I did then "things would be done to me but not in a rape-y kind of way" and when I said I would just lock myself in my bedroom I was told my house would be "burned to the ground." Being the only sober one was SO MUCH FUN. 


P.P.S. It really was fun.

12

It's hard to believe that you're 12.

You are growing up so very, very fast.

Slow down, please for the love of all things holy in this world!

You talk about when you'll get your license, have a debit card, and be able to do things on your own.

We remind you that the deal we made was you could do all that...at 30.

The last few months have been challenging but you faced things that most adults can't face...and you've done it with grace and dignity...99% of the time...you're human...you get to have that 1%.

You take your medicine without a spoonful of sugar...reminding us you need it when we forget.

You're doing excellent at school. We are so incredibly proud of you. Always, always remember that making smart choices and being kind are the qualities that will carry you the furthest.

Remember that you can mess up sometimes, too. It's allowed. Just take responsibility and learn from it...and try not to do it again. Try.

I've been so sick this week and you've been such a great help. I couldn't have done it without you getting me soup and water and letting me nap. When I woke up and saw you had a towel on your head, it really hit me that you're growing up - you cleaned yourself, all on your own, with no reminders, while I slept. I win at parenting!

Last night when your dad said something about you turning 12, I started to fake cry. Which may or may not have (totally did) turned into really, really teary eyes.

You promised me that you'll always be my baby.

And you will always be my baby.

Because I will always be your mama.

Don't forget that, okay?

Love,
Mama



P.S. Please also don't forget that you are not allowed to say "crap" in front of Dad and if you do it one more time I'm totally going to get in trouble!!! Knock it off!

A little bit of everything rolled into one.

Today is day eleventy-billion of the plague.

My room looks like it belongs in Grey Gardens and my mind is not far behind.

I feel ever so slightly better besides bouts of my head feeling like it's going to explode and feeling so weak that I only manage to get up for food or facilities.

Most of the time.

So instead of boring you with more tales from my sick bed or pictures of my dogs I'm going to answer the writing prompt on NaBloPoMo which is "Can you listen to music and write? What music did you hear today?"

I don't regularly listen to music while I write but I guess I could...I usually have a movie or tv show on while I write...while the dogs are barking...and my kid is telling me one of her stories...and I'm on twitter.

ADD, maybe?

The only song I've heard today (besides the opening sequence for 30 Rock about 15 times since 7:30 a.m. this morning) is a song that I can't tell you about because it's the answer to the riddle on this page on the new site I'm working on called Off the Deep End and if I tell you then I'll probably be murdered in my sleep by my co-ringleaders.

It's a good song, too. I hope you figure it out.

Also, we're still looking for writers...if you're interested go to this page right here and let us know!



Beaucoup d'amour pour vous et pour vous et vous.

Calling it in.

I've reached the stage of sickness where bad things are coming out of my body. Also my head feels like it is going to explode and looking at the computer screen for more than a few minutes makes my eyes hurt.

But how are you doing?

Please to enjoy this picture of my oldest dog giving her younger sister the "did you really just step on me to go and lay on that pillow next to my human?" look. 

What you can't see is the look on my face which is "why do you all insist on suffocating me with your tiny bodies???"

Teeth are overrated. Painkillers are not.

So. Hi. I'm here. Barely.

I had the root canals yesterday...for almost two hours I laid on my back with my mouth open. I feel like I should win an award for that but the only industry where those kind of awards are handed out is one where you can also get herpes.

I don't want herpes.

I don't want anymore root canals either.

Let me share with you some words you don't want to hear when you are having a root canal:

bizarre
weird
funky
freaky
tough to get at
normal people only have two roots in the bicuspid but you have three
you will have to come back

Thankfully he managed to get my bizarre, weird, funky roots sealed so I don't have to come back but STILL.

Side note: why do dentists always ask you questions when your mouth is propped open and they have sharp instruments inside? Why?

I thought I'd be feeling better and could go trick or treating with the kid last night but my body had other plans which included fever, chills, leg aches, and a headache. The last thing I wanted to do today was leave the house but considering I've been on antibiotics since Sunday and I developed this after the root canal I wanted to make sure that I wasn't dying of some the weird things I found on Google. So I strapped on my bra and had my husband drive me to the doctor.

Let me share with you some words you don't want to hear after you've had a root canal and have waited 30 minutes past your appointment time and are curled up in the fetal position in tremendous pain:

bizarre
random
died from tooth infection

Mostly just those last ones.

My doctor said either the infection spread from my tooth OR I'm getting the flu OR both.

Because, why not?

Signed,

Bizarre, Weird, Freaky, Funky Tooth Girl Who Is Currently Laying In Bed Writhing In Pain And Hopes That None Of You Have To Go Through This Because It Is The Suck.

What a way to start NaBloPoMo...it can only get better right?

Right???



P.S. Have you always wanted to be part of a group site? Here's your chance! I'm now involved with a project called Off the Deep End...and we need writers! Send us an e-mail at admin@off-the-deep-end.net as soon as possible!