Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Get Off My Lawn.

This is my first stream of consciousness post and I'm kind of nervous, like it won't be good enough? What's in my brain? Maybe because there's not much in my brain right now? It has been pleasantly dulled with pain medication for my poor jacked up teeth. I have to get two root canals on Monday. TWO. I cannot stop talking about it. I know that people are probably sick and tired of hearing about my teeth problems. TWO.

My day was pretty much spent in this glorious state of being pain free, then having pain, then being pain free again. I basically did nothing except lay on the couch and tweet weird things. My husband took the kid to see a movie and I stayed at home with my miserable, whiny self. I rented Horrible Bosses through On Demand and I thought it was hilarious. I want to watch it without being on painkillers to see if it's really as funny as I thought it was when I was watching it today. 

After the movie they stopped at the video store to get movies for us to watch and my husband rented Horrible Bosses.

Great minds. I guess?

Just as I was falling into a lovely drug-induced nap today my neighbors started playing with loud music. I say playing with because it'd be really loud and then REALLY LOUD. Like really loud. As in it could have been playing in my living room right in front of me loud. I'm not being Mrs. GrumpyPants when I say that it was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOUD. 

TURNED DOWN YOUR MUSIC AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT - GET OFF MY LAWN!

Want to do your own? Head on over to all.things.fadra for all the tails. 
“Most people would say the deets, I say the tails. Just one example of innovation.”(Name that show.)

NaBloPoMoFoSho

I woke up this morning and thought how can I make my life more complicated?

As if working outside the home full time, mothering, wifing (it's a word), blogging, writing, starting a business, trying to have a baby, starting therapy, and getting not one but two root canals on Halloween wasn't enough?

I found the answer sitting in my reader in the form of a post from one of my favorite bloggers, thegrumbles.

It's happening, Internet. 

Right here. 

Starting November 1, 2011.

If you're going to be on this party bus, will you pretty please with cherries on top let me know so that I can send you Internet hugs and kisses and/or a flask of your favorite drinky mcdrink drink? 

Did you miss me? I missed you. What? I DID.

Hey hey hey Internets! What is up? Not much here. WS KIT BFFL LYLAS!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Don't answer that.

Poor Blog got neglected for the last week...for a kinda good reason.

I was busy, yo.

I'm not over at Motherhood Uncovered anymore. Sad panda. I will miss the fabulous writers over there and I wish them all the best and the rest.

You can still find me at this place.

Writing my nonsense, as I do.

So here is what you missed in my life this week...because you are just dying to know.

The kid ran for class president (she didn't win but no sad pandas here!) I was so proud of her I was moved to tears. She delivered a speech in front of the entire student body...um...this is the kid who four weeks ago didn't want to leave the house.

We also went to her parent/teacher conference ... and it was great ... glowing ... glorious ... times googol.  I don't like to brag but I'm totally going to right now.

(Get yourself ready for it.)

She's the top reader in her class...her reading level is 12.9...that roughly means first year of college...she's 11.

She has good genes.

(Nod.)

Also, good jeans.

(The AE Boyfriend jean...she's picky.)

As I was still basking in the glory of her accomplishments she told me I should buy poop.org and make that my blog name.

Still proud?

(Um...yes. Definitely yes.)

I made some more cuppycakes. They were the nommy nom nom nom.

Tasted better than the Internet, I heard.

(From myself.)

I went to the therapist and I liked it.

(Sing it, you know the song.)

I am crazy busy doing all sorts of other stuff that includes picking up dog poo (WTF!) and watching Adventure Time (I love me some LSP, "I know you want this body but you can't have it! You can't have it!) and talking to Siri (see below.)

Sometimes I did all of those things at the same time because I'm freaking amazing.

Don't forget that you are too.


Maintenant laissez moi un commentaire grumeaux et je t'aimerai toujours!

Bécote.

Babymaker, bird, bee, bike. What are things that start with B?

It's been 18 days since we last talked about my babymaker. I know, I know...I can tell from the nones of requests to provide an update just how sad you are all about it.

I decided today was the day to provide an update because this is my blog and I do what I wanna do.

I am on cycle day 1 million and am currently taking Provera to jump start my friend, the lady in red. After that happens I will begin my 4 millionth round of Clomid at 250 mg. I am telling this to you because I want you to know that if I start getting really sappy...or snappy...you know why. The Snappy Sap, I will be. This will be IT for Clomid...if this doesn't work...it's on to bigger and more expensive things. Like diamonds.

Enough about that.

Now for some fun.

Not the doing it kind of fun. The laughing kind. Unless you have the kind of doing it fun that makes you laugh, like when you accidentally fart and you both heard it but if you don't acknowledge it things will just get weird so you laugh and that makes you fart again and then you find yourself all alone in bed. Not a true story.

I have a fanatic love of all things RHONJ, especially Jacqueline Laurita. She tweeted this video from Birds & Bees: The Real Story and I can not stop this song from playing in my head. It is hysterical, truthful, and oddly helpful.

Watch this video.

WATCH IT NOW.


Check out other videos here: http://www.youtube.com/user/BirdsBeesRealStory

"My cervical mucous is as thick as peanut butter."  I died.

Siri is completely unhelpful when it comes to infertility.

 Way to be insensitive, Siri.

 I don't understand ovulating testicles either.








Um, thanks?







Siri, you need a break. I got this. 

Helpful sites for infertility:

http://www.FertilityLifeLines.com
http://www.IncreaseYourChances.org

 

Se bécote.

Dance, Monkey!

It will never get old.

NEVER.

Pinned It: Food Edition (supposed to be) Strawberries & Cream Muffins.

So the sister's birthday was last week and at her request I made the Strawberry Cheesecake Cupcakes. They were delicious. And wonderful. (According to the people that I asked no less than one million times.)

As I always do, I over-estimated what I would need and was left with a whole extra plastic thingy of strawberries. Not wanting them to go to waste I scoured Pinterest for recipes that use strawberries (or I logged on and it was right there having been recently pinned by someone I follow, but does it really matter, DOES IT?) It does. Sadly, the truth is that the strawberries were going to be headed to the trash if I hadn't seen that pin. New slogan for Pinterest: PINTEREST SAVES.

Luckily I had all of the other ingrediences (RHONJ fans you know what I'm talkin' about) so on the journey, I embarked.

Strawberries & Cream Muffins (this is what it is supposed to look like and they are mini muffins...I made jumbo muffins...because I thought it'd be less work...)


Supplies. Can I take a minute to call your attention to the fact that I took this with my new iPhone4Steve and HOLY SHITBALLS it takes amazing photos!

And now you all know that I'm lactose intolerant. 


Cutting up berries like I do. Not a very amazing shot but I was trying not to touch my iPhone4Steve too much because of the strawberry blood all over my hands.


Gross. For the cheesecake filling. Still gross.


Flour & stuff.


Butter & stuff. You put it into your flour & stuff.


First step, you cut a hole in the...oh wait...um, fill just under 1/2 way.


Put the strawberries in.


Put some of that creamy cheesy egg-whitey mixture in.


Put more batter on top. And more strawberries. And granulated sugar.



Cook them, don't burn them. Mine didn't really get well cooked in the middle...I think I had the heat too high for my large sized muffins.  Heh.

Eat it. EAT IT ALL. Or just eat the top half like I did and throw away the burnt bottoms. Bottoms are the most terrible part of a muffin.

Step 68: Try not to die from salmonella poisoning.

If you really want to see the real way to make these with like, details about how to do it, go to Jane's Sweets & Baking Journal.





P.S. If you are on Pinterest let me know because I am always on the lookout for new boards to follow! Have you PINNED IT? TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT SO WE CAN BE AWESOME TOGETHER. Be sure to follow the sister on Pinterest - she's younger and prettier than me. You can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Flickr, and Google+. And now, The Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg wins again.

How I spent my weekend

Meet Siri, my new BFF.

PICK ONE, GRAMMA!

Picture it, me, the kid, the gramma, my car, 2011.

Kid: My mom, my aunt and my uncle all want the newest iPad, let's say it's an iPad 10 and it's amazing and it scans your bones and tells you about them and it does all of this other really advanced stuff but it's super expensive. Who do you give it to?

Gramma: I'd tell them they'd have to share.

Kid: Ok, but they can't share.

Gramma: I'd probably just buy them all one then.

Kid: No, Gramma! All of those things I said before, they CAN'T share and you can only afford ONE. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE. Who would get it?

Gramma: I wouldn't buy it all then.

Kid: GRAMMA! JUST PICK ONE.

Me: Hey, chill out, kid, she's not going to pick one. Or she'll say me because I'm here but if I wasn't here and your aunt was she would say her and same for your uncle. She's not going to choose.

Kid: No, MOM!  She has to pick one of you.

Gramma: You're lucky, kid, because you're an only child and never have to share.

Kid: Ok, throw me into the mix. Who gets it now?

Gramma: Oh, well, in that case, you would get it, of course.

Kid: WooHoo!

That devious little shit starter.

God, I love her.

RaNdOm E-mAiLs

That title is super annoying, right? 

Kind of like these e-mails I sent my husband.

So I've been told.

Enjoy.

---

From: ME
To: THE HUSBAND

Sent: Tue Oct 6

Subject: Um, not really sure.

Heeyyyy husband (if you watched Arrested Development you would get that…also, I may request that you watch it because they are coming out with new episodes and a movie-and we are going and you have to get it, also, OMG NEW EPISODES! MOVIE! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!)

I didn’t want to mention this on the phone last night but in that book I am reading that THERAPIST recommended there’s a chapter on serotonin deficiency…apart from anxiety…the other conditions that are indicative of serotonin deficiency are: 1) irritability and proneness to anger, 2)craving for sweets (esp. in winter), 3) insomnia, 4) poor tolerance for heat (!), 5) mood swings, 6) severe PMS, 7) depression that is worse in the morning and improves as the day goes on.  THE KID has 7/7!  Porbrecita! I made her suffer for so long. Guilty, I feel.

Did I tell you that THERAPIST met with the parents after and she told us what the feedback was from the girls about each individual girl…? They saw THE KID as either a teacher or comedian…(because, obviously...hello...she had a good teacher. Me. In case that wasn't clear.)

The dogs are pooping and peeing in the house because of the rain. I kind of hate them right now.

Love,

YOUR WIFE

P.S. Haha

P.P.S. I haven’t been sleeping well, can you tell?

{Note: no response received. Hmphf.}

--- NEXT ---

From: ME
To: THE HUSBAND
Sent: Tue Oct 11 

Subject: Fwd: Shipment Notification iPhone 4S

Whoop whoop!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: THE HUSBAND
To: ME
Sent: Tue Oct 11 

Subject: Fwd: Shipment Notification iPhone 4S

It's coming directly from China.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ME
To: THE HUSBAND

Sent: Tue Oct 11

Subject: Re: Fwd: Shipment Notification iPhone 4S

And now I feel bad for those little kids who made my phone -- we have to adopt one.

P.S. [redacted]...so I'm not sure how this is going to help but I'm going to do it because I'm nothing if not obedient.

I also talked to THERAPIST and told her THE KID doesn't want to do the group...she said that there's another group for the parent and child called Anxiety: We're Going To Make You Have It By Having You To Sit In This Room With Other Parents And Kids And Talk About Your Feeeeelings or maybe it was just called Dealing with Anxiety - the details are really fuzzy. I told her I wasn't too jazzed about doing group therapy. Do as I say, not as I do! Anyway, I'm supposed to schedule her an appointment with THE KID in [redacted].

P.P.S. I said P-P, heh.

P.P.P.S. I love you.

P.P.P.S. This wasn't so much a note to you as it was a future blog post, sorry about that. Maybe I'm trying to be efficient. Or maybe I'm just bored.

P.P.P.P.S I said P-P twice!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: THE HUSBAND
To: ME

Sent: Tue Oct 11

Subject: Re: Fwd: Shipment Notification iPhone 4S

You must be really bored today.
Love you!!

---

P.S. I hope this is not offensive to my Chinese friends. I think child labor is terrible. I really do want to adopt them all.

P.P.S. I just tracked my package and...well...see for yourself.

P.P.S. Tell me you read that as check lap c0c.k, too? Also, 4:20? I mean, how perfect is that? Heh.

P.P.P.S. I said P-P again! Also, no offense to my Hong Kong friends! I'm sure that Chek Lap Kok is a beautiful place! I'm not a pothead!

P.P.P.P.S. I'm really terrible at this.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I really do hate it when people use a shit ton of  P.S.'s. 

P.P.P.P.P.P.S Seriously...what is wrong with me?

Pinned It: We got crafty for fall.

This week on Pinned It! we're going to cover Halloween/Fall decorations. I can feel your excitement.

Before we begin I have a Public Service Announcement. Leave your kids at home when you are buying craft supplies because you may need to go to a million different stores to find everything you need and by the third one they might get a little punchy and when asked to "please stop poking your aunt with that stick you just found" they may respond with something like, "if I have a big stick obviously I'm going to poke someone with it." 

It's hard to argue with that logic. 

It's also hard to say no to requests like, "Mom, can I please buy the big stick? I'm going to put feathers on it and get it all dicked out. I mean decked out. DECKED. I was thinking stick and decked and it came out dicked."

I win at parenting. 

Also, this week I have my sister, herefortoafter referred to as 'the sister' (and also known as 'the aunt' in the above example), joining me on this little adventure. I am responsible for slapping her in the face when she was 7 and for getting her addicted to Pinterest. Please welcome her to the Internet.

Let's start with the simple project: Chalkboard Pumpkin. That link will take you to what it is supposed to look like. 

Supplies. I cheated and bought a black pumpkin so we wouldn't have to do a million coats of paint. I also realized later I didn't get all the supplies I needed...which you will be able to tell in just a few scrolls...


Painting.


The final product. For now.


Next up we have Fancy Halloween Wreath. That link will also take you to what it is supposed to look like.

Supplies. There will be no pictures of me making it because I was covered in hot glue and may have lost 4 of my fingerprints forever.


The final product. I couldn't find a big, black flower and I added the feathers. Looks better in Real Life.


And our final project is Fancy Fall Wreath. This link will also...you guessed it...take you to what it is supposed to look like.

Supplies.


We missed that you might want to cover your wreath form so my sister improvised with my leftover lace and ribbon.

"Boom. Done. I don't know what those little kids in factories complain about all the time."


On the next episode of Pinned It! we will be talking about the jewelry project my sister worked on when she lost the will to complete that wreath.







P.S. If you are on Pinterest let me know because I am always on the lookout for new boards to follow! Have you PINNED IT? TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT SO WE CAN BE AWESOME TOGETHER. Be sure to follow the sister on Pinterest - she's younger and more stylish than me. You can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Flickr, and Google+. And now, The Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg wins again.

Shouting it from the rooftops, yo.

There is absolutely no shame in getting help.

Unless it is to bury a body.

There is absolutely no shame in talking about your feelings.

Unless you're on your first date and you profess your undying love.

There is absolutely no shame in taking medication.

Unless it's not yours.

We've got anxiety disorders in our blood. I'm sorry that I didn't do something about it sooner. To be honest with you (because this is the Internet and everybody knows you are supposed to tell the truth, ALWAYS) I knew that we needed it. I was afraid of taking that first step. It took An Epic Meltdown of Mommy vs. Kid to give me the kick in the butt I needed.

It was kind of like this (channeling my inner Bob Wiley), "baby step to pick up the phone...baby step to make the appointment...I made the appointment....AAAHHHHH!"

WE GO TO THERAPY!

WE TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS!

WE TAKE MEDICATIONS!

I AM SPARTACUS!

Lady bacon, not a breakfast food. Probably.

It's been 14 days since we last spoke of my lady bacon / babymaker nether regions so me thinks it's time for an update. You're welcome.

It's 23 days into my cycle, no positive ovulation predictor kit test, and no positive pregnancy test. Also, not a lot of doing it which probably helps to explain the negatory on the pregnancy test.

This was going to be our month but life had other plans...my dad was in the hospital...then staying with us...the kid was on a short break...we are dealing with some pretty heavy stuff in therapy...I started working on a site as the managing editor...and I've seriously been thinking of starting a business.

I have a little anxiety. Also, maybe ADD. My appointment with a therapist is October 21st. I hope to get some good drugs. SQUIRREL!

So, friends of the Internet and family who should not have read this far for the love of Baby Jeebus it says lady bacon in the title!, I'm going to call this cycle.

NO BABY FOR YOU!

Our next step is to meet with the fertility doctor and determine where we go from here. Probably intrauterine insemination and injectables.

I'm not fucking around anymore.

Literally.

Hanging out at the hospital.

Last Thursday my Dad was admitted to the hospital to have an emergency appendectomy. I left work as soon as I could because staying there one more second was killing me -- I couldn't go to the hospital when my mom was in last year because I had the plague and I wasn't going to panic from afar again. Why, hello anxiety and ptsd, nice to meet you, yo.

My dad's boss was in town and came to the hospital (which was incredibly thoughtful and nice) and sat with us for about two hours until we heard that my dad was out of surgery. Unfortunately, he got to know us really well...between my sister, mom and I...well...my dad may have lost his job.

Sorry, Pops.

His pain did give my mom, sister and I some time to bond. Other fun included meeting some really interesting people, getting our seats jacked by some crazy ladies, taking a million blurry pictures of things because I was pretending to be the paparazzi (it was late, we were punchy), and clearing out an entire waiting room with our laughter (so we wouldn't cry). Also, we're pretty sure we made the doctor hate us. The doctor is partly to blame -- he was the one who gave us a graphic picture of my dad's insides (for his scrapbook?  I don't know? it made my sister go into this weird gagging/choking/laughing fit) and then telling us how my dad would be swollen "down there" (it begged for an STD joke, so I delivered one). 

I also sent this text to my husband (home with the kid) and my brother (home with a recently ball-less puppy):


My dad stayed at my house after he was discharged because our house has a first floor bed/bath and doesn't have a 150 pound dog. I had planned to be off this week so it worked out and I was happy to take care of him because I love him. Also because it gave me an excuse to lay on the couch all day without feeling guilty about it.

After he went home I spent the rest of the week laying on the couch but I felt really guilty about it.

There's a difference.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy.

When you go through them it will help if you pretend you can hear me saying "Snap", "Gotcha', "Over here", "That looks fun", "I'M A NINJA PHONETOGRAPHER, DEAL WITH IT" P.S. These photos are going to blow your mind with their professionalishness. I'm probably going to be a millionaire now. Booyah!

"Hospital Paparazzi"

Create a free slideshow with Picnik!

The end.