Just another Friday night.

I found myself sleeping in the kid's room last night because I heard a noise when I was in a deep sleep so I grabbed my pillow thinking I would need to lay down with her to make her go to sleep (I know, I know!) and when I got in there it was just her movie that was still playing and only God Knows What Time It Was (note: it was 1 a.m. and now I have to call my husband "God") and I thought she might be faking sleep and dear lord in heaven she was going to be a crank the next morning and I was already in there with my pillow so I just laid down and went to sleep. If you can call what I did "sleeping" as it was more "hanging on for dear life on the edge of the bed."

Him: Last night I came into the bedroom to use the bathroom and you were snoring...

Me: I don't snore.

Him:...and I came back out and I thought you were still in bed and then I heard a noise...yes, you do....

Me: No, I don't. 

Him: ...in her room and you were in there... 

Me: I said I do not snore.

Him: *stares*

---

I'm feeling very Grown Up right now because for the first time in my life I made food for someone (my sister) who is sick (recovering from getting the girls done).

Me: I wonder how I make this casserole brown on top.

Him: Move it to the top rack.

Me: It's on the top rack already.

Him: I could get my blow torch.

Me: That is not helpful.

Him: Call your mother.

---

(Slamming doors is a big no-no in this house because 1) there are better ways to express your frustration and 2) it knocks down mama's pictures. One slam, we ignore. Two slams, you get a warning. Three slams, you get another warning (yeah, I know, I'm awesome at parenting). Slamming it 4 or 5 times in a row, gets your mama upstairs and your papa into the garage for the wrench. Please notice the "r" in that last word.)

The kid: I'd shut my door if I had one.

Me: Whose fault is that?

The kid: Yours.

Do you know what really burns my ass?

Things got entirely too emo around here. It was time for a dramatic reinterpretation (or a poorly drawn/created from picnik stickers picture) of one of my favorite stories/sayings from my Grampa, may he rest in peace. And may he forgive me for adding the butterfly. And for using the word the F word.

Update: it occurred to me that Butterfly flapping his wings wouldn't actually help but would fuel the fire even more. It doesn't really change anything. Butterfly still doesn't give a fuck. Apparently.

Hard day.

Today was a hard day.

We took the kid to see a therapist.

I was not satisfied with how it went.

Mostly because it is apparently all my fault.

After we left I cried on and off all day.

My eyes hurt.

I'm in bed.

And I plan to stay here for the rest of the night.

An update on the babymaker. And doing it.

For those of you who are interested in things like "progesterone levels" and "cervical mucus" - welcome! For those of you who are not, you might want to skip this post. You can exit to your right.

Today was test day and I failed. It's okay because I knew I probably would. My progesterone level came back at 0.67 -- I'm surprised I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit at all. It's all very disappointing for a myriad of reasons. I'm not getting any younger, my kid is desperate for a sibling, and more than anything I hate not making progress. I also do not enjoy peeing on my hand all the time.

So, we start again. I start Provera in two days (because I know the old red won't show up on her own) and my doctor is going to up my dosage of Clomid for this cycle to see if that helps me to get those eggs on the plate. And then we do it. Again. And again. And again.




And again.

Captain's Log, Stardate 201119.7

We've entered late summer and so far it's everything I expect summer to be.

Freaking hot.

I am thankful for air conditioning. I don't know how people ever lived without it. I would have crawled into a cave until winter. I kind of do that now, although my cave is my house, with aforementioned air conditioning and pretzel sticks. Also, toilets.

We saw Harry Potter on Sunday morning, when the Good People where in church. They actually hold church services at our movie theater so I was technically in a house of worship. We learned all about Good vs. Evil and I spent a lot of time explaining complicated moral questions and relationships to my kid. I imagine it was much like Real Church would be. Except with Twizzlers and peanut M&M's.

My reaction to the movie? Since you asked? I thought it was good until the end. I don't like it when it deviates from the book too much. Battling all over Hogwarts? Breaking The Elder Wand? No! Just, no.

As for me and my house, we are anxiously awaiting our first appointment with a shrink to help the kid with her anxiety/panic attacks. I think I could use a little help, too. I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I'm worried about her. I think we failed this fertility cycle (I expect a big fat negative this Thursday). And it's hot. Did I mention that? I hate the hot hotness of the hot sun.

Here's to a brighter but less hot day tomorrow.

Pip, pip, cheerio.

Life in the fast lane.

It's 12:25 p.m. and I have yet to do anything productive except attempt to clean up my social media life and finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the third time.

And now, instead of turning my attention to the laundry, dishes and other grueling housework that plagues my life, I am going to go wake up (yes, wake up!!) the kid -- (she's preparing for college life by staying up late and sleeping in -- she is her mother's daughter) -- and trot off to the movie theater to see The Last Harry Potter Movie Ever. I hope it helps to bring up her spirits - she's had a tough week with her friends at school. Kids can be such horrible little assholes. Not yours, or mine, mind you - but The Others.

Toodle-doo!

It's magic. I know. Never believe it's not so.

I have one of those "word a day" calendars on my desk except mine isn't a "word a day" - it's quotes from The Office. I could probably use an actual "word a day" or a "how to be grammatically correct today" calendar but those seem dreadful and not at all funny.  Of course, if there were grammatical errors in it then it would be ironic and that would definitely make me tinkle.  My calendar is not at all appropriate for My Office which is also ironic (ergo, double funny) so most days I have to hide my calendar from view because I think it's bad juju to tear off a day before it has happened. 

Today's quote is exactly how I'm feeling today and even though it is borderline inappropriate it's going to feel the sunshine on its face today.

"In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching." - Dwight.

And now, to counteract any negativity you might feel towards me for loving a quote about violence, please let me share a cat video with you. A cat video about Harry Potter, no less. I know, you're beside yourself with anticipation.




(Cat videos have a certain je ne sais quoi that immediately renders the watcher helpless against the cuteness within. If it doesn't render you helpless you may want to see your doctor to make sure your heart still works.)

I had another blog but now I have this one.

Hello, Internets!

How are you?

I'm well.

Thank you for asking.

So polite, you are. (Channeling my inner Yoda, I am?)

First posts are always a little awkward, aren't they?

It's like we're on a first date and both of us are afraid of what I'm going to say next.

Let's hope it's not about my ex-boyfriend because we all know that rule #1 on a first date: don't talk about the ex.

...

How about them...uh...Colts?

...

I've learned a few lessons, one of them being Do Not Tell Your Family About Your Blog. It should be noted that I learned nothing about grammar or comma use.

(Dreadful, I know.)

Truthfully, I didn't really care that my family read it but when their significant others start reading it and then the significant others siblings start reading it...well...it made me uncomfortable. Especially when I'd mention something and I'd get the "Oh yes, we know. We read about it on your blog." response. Not that what I was writing was terribly embarrassing (well, uh, maybe sometimes) but mostly it increased my anxiety times eleventy-billion because I felt like I had nothing to talk about and was left sitting on the couch silently sipping my margarita wondering how I will survive the evening.

(Drunk, usually).

Given that I'm trying to put a bun in the oven getting drunk at every family gathering isn't going to cut it much longer. And I hate feeling limited when I'm writing.

That is why I'm here, on this first date, with you. And this blog. Kinky.

I know, you're terribly excited.

Do try to contain yourselves and maybe we'll get to second base.
...

I know, I broke rule #1.

And now I'll spend the rest of the night wondering if you're going to call me again.

Smooches.

Please note: post best read in a British accent. Reading out loud is best unless your British accent sounds like an Irish one, in that case avoid embarrassment and just read it to yourself. Also, I know that I write "I know" a lot. I'm sorry. Do forgive me. Or don't. I can't manage your feelings for you.

Why, Hello There!

Blog!!!! How the hell are you?!?!

I think I'm finally coming out of my cave a bit and am ready to start writing again.

I know you are excited out of your minds but please settle down, folks!

Please, sit down.

Sit down.

I SAID SIT.

Let's see...things are going well here (except for the laundry sitch but that is never going to go well here until I get my own personal maid.)

The kid is mostly good. She's enjoyed a few weeks at summer camp. Unfortunately I think she's inherited something terrible from me -- anxiety/panic attacks --- so the whole fam damily is headed to the head doctor (or as the kid says "the shrink") to get a little help. Which hopefully translates to maybe a little Xanax for mama.

As for my babymaker --- I finally ovulated (yay!) and am currently in that horrible, no good, very bad, two week wait. I *feel* like something is going on but it's probably just my mind playin' tricks on me. (Break into song, yo.)

The husband is keeping busy working hard for the money. Too hard, I say. We need a Real Vacation. Stat.

That's all folks...hoping everything is right as rain in your world.

Smooches.