This Parenting Thing Is Intense

At a lacatation consultation when the kid was two weeks old the nurse told me she was "high-need" and used words like "attachment parenting". I had no idea what that meant so I got a book.  I remember it terrified me.

She's often described as "spirited" as in "can you make her stop talking and moving around so much?" and "a good leader" as in "bossy" and "mature" as in "I'm sorry I didn't think she would get the sarcasm and irony of that joke."

She gets it.  Usually, and sometimes unfortunately, the first time.

I saved this one as a note in my phone when she was about 5 (this was before I blogged, yo):

The Kid:    <telling a very detailed horror story to me and my sister in the car>

My Sister:    Kid, I think you'll grow up to be a famous writer like Stephen King.

The Kid:     Yes, but I'll be Stephen Queen.

The older she gets the harder it is.  Seemingly small things set her off.  She has trouble making friends.  She doesn't try something if she thinks she is going to fail.  She hates criticism.  Small slights are the end of the world.  She doesn't want to stop what she is doing.  HEAVEN HELP YOU if you move something she spent hours setting up.  She makes up wonderful stories.  She likes to play pretend.  She loves dragons and plastic animals.  She knows how to work the system.  Her socks cannot be too tight or too high or too thick or too thin.  She described herself as "Type A" to her neurologist.

I *hate* labels.

At one point someone suggested I get her tested for the Gifted and Talented Program in our school district.  Seriously, I am having a really hard time even writing that because EVERY time I hear someone call their kid gifted I think of Kathy Griffin's routine (starts at about 0:28).

"This is our daughter, Hannah.  She's two days old.  She's gifted."

In second grade, I signed her up for the test but she didn't "pass".  We forged ahead.  I am ashamed to say that I believed them -- that she wasn't gifted.  So I've spent the last few years trying to make her normal.  It hasn't been working.  This year has been the toughest yet.

It's not that she does phenomenal, academically, on paper - we have a smattering of A's and B's and an occassional C.  She excels in some areas - like science and reading comprehension and could give or take others - like math and essay writing.  At her first parent conference this year her teacher told me two things that stood out: 1) she could probably teach the science curriculm and often tells (in a nice way) her teacher if something is wrong in the book and 2) her teacher will make a joke and she will be the ONLY one who gets it.

I knew exactly what she meant.

We're at the zoo.  She's 6.

Me:           "Oh look at that crocodile!"

The Kid:   "That's an alligator. Look at his jaw."

I recently started reading this blog and following the author, Heather, on Twitter.  I love her perspective on everything - including her "quirky kid".  I identified with a lot of what she was writing.  At one point, either on her blog or via twitter I found a reference my way to a book called Living with Intensity (I can't seem to find the blog post/tweet I was reading at the moment) but what I do know is that I immediately went to Amazon to see what it was about.  After reading the first few pages, I purchased it immediately.

When it arrived a few days later, I admit that I didn't read it right away.

The kid has been struggling the last few weeks.  Emotions are running high.  Really high.  This weekend we had a mah-jor freak out over socks and being told that something will last 20 minutes, and not the 15 she expected it to last.

I decided it was time to get into this book and figure it out. What IT is, I don't know.

After reading just the first two chapters of the book, I'm convinced that she is one of those children. You know, the gifted.

And now it's time to figure out what to do about it.

I Said No To A Field Trip. And I'm Totally Okay With It. I Think.

I haven't written in a week because I've been busy holding down the couch with my butt. It's important work, yo.

We were hit with some sickness and had lots of softball games but mostly I haven't written because I've had mah-jor anxiety over this field trip.

I searched my feelings, like a good Jedi, and feel very strongly that I cannot, in good faith, allow my 10 year old to go on a field trip, with limited supervision, multiple exits, and creepy amusement park go-ers without me. To call this trip an educational experience is a stretch. She'll miss out on nothing more than long lines, crabby anxiety-filled chaperones struggling to keep them all to stay together and sticky park benches.

I did ask my young grasshopper if she really, really wanted to go because if she did then I would consider putting aside my principles (but still tracking her through GPS in the parking lot of the amusement park) if it was really, really that important to her. It was not. We talked about what other kids might say about her not going, what she might miss out on and the like.  I wanted to make sure that I wasn't totally denying her an experience that she was set on having.  I'm confident that I'm not.

I volunteered to go. I said I would buy my own ticket and drive my own car. I was told no. Only 6 adults for 68 children. That is not good enough for me.  It may be good enough for you, or other parents, and that is totally fine - for you, for them, but not for my family.  I respect their decision to let their children go.  I can only hope that they respect mine when I do not.  It's not like I'm being a bratty kid, who out of spite, is not allowing her kid to go because I'm looking for a free trip to an amusement park.  I'm actually convinced that my own personal hell WILL BE an amusement park, with tons of children wandering in different directions.  No fire and brimstone here...just me...spending an eternity trying, unsuccessfully, to keep them all together.

I am doubly frustrated about this situation because THE SAME THING happened last year where they only allowed 2 parents to go on a field trip to a play.  I volunteered the day after the notice came home and was told they had enough volunteers already.  I was disappointed but I let her go without me then because it was a much more controlled environment.  They get on the bus, they get off the bus, they sit down and watch a play, then get on the bus and come home.  They didn't get much of an opportunity to wander off or be exposed to creepy people.

At her previous school they often had enough chaperones for a trip but STILL encouraged other parents interested in attending to come along - we would just have to pay our own way and drive ourselves and we were happy to do it.  Because of this I was able to have the opportunity to get to know the teacher and other parents from her class better. When it came time to lend our support to the teacher in other ways we were happy to do it.  When it came time for a sleep over or a birthday party we were happy to let our kids attend.  Because we knew each other.  In the last two years she's been at this high-performing, brand-spanking new school, I have felt more disconnected than ever before.

I wrote a letter to the principal about my frustration with what appears to me to be a discouragement of parental involvement.  It's not just field trips.  Her teacher, whom I love and adore and is the best she has had at this school, told parents during orientation that she didn't really need parent volunteers.  I know it's 4th grade and they're a bit older but I would think having parents volunteer would be welcomed at all times.  Studies have shown that parental involvement in a child's school can lead to higher grades and standardized test scores, long term academic achievement, improved behavior and, in the end, more effective schools.  Who wouldn't want that?  Even if you have the best API in the district???  Can't you always do better?

I know there are parents who are pushy and controlling and may interfere with the learning process by being there but there are also parents who would not.  There are also parents who work, like me, and can't volunteer in the classroom or at school events or be on the PTA so we do what we can - we give money, supplies, and if we can, go on field trips.

I feel like I have to keep justifying it to myself even though I know my reasons are sound.  I tell myself that there are parents who don't let their children attend public schools, there are parents who don't let their children watch TV, there are parents who rally against a school district and refuse to let their children attend school if they are going to be "forced" to watch a very important message from our President.  I don't agree with the parents in the above groups.  Some of them I would feel like shaking for being, in my opinion, ignorant.  However, regardless of my personal feelings, I can still be understanding and supportive of them to parent their children how they want.

So instead of going on a field trip to an amusement park that is supposed to enhance their Social Studies curriculum, on that day I will take my daughter to a real mission, with real artifacts, and real testimonies of what life was like during that time period in California.  Then we'll go get mani/pedi's and ice cream. Because I'm cool like that.

Field Trips Keep Me Up At Night

I dread field trips.

I especially dread field trips that I cannot attend.

I thought it would get easier as my kid got older, but it didn't.  I worry now, more than ever, even though she has a GPS-enabled phone and has had stranger danger rules pounded into her head for as long as she can remember.  I don't even have to give the lecture any more because she does it for me. "I know to stay close to the teacher, not go to the restroom with an adult that I know, and to fight if someone tries to take me."

It's still not enough.

What if Something Happens and I'm not there because I didn't fight hard enough to go on the trip? (They are limiting it to just a few parents and it's not looking good for me.)  I can't even think about it without getting upset.  If I can't go then I'll likely spend the entire day tracking her online.  While sitting in my car.  Outside the field trip location.  Just in case.

I know I'm over protective. I used to feel really guilty about being that way.  I don't anymore.  Do you read the news?  You should.  You're welcome to tell me I'm wrong but I will not change my mind.  She's a ten year old child.

She'll have plenty of freedom when she goes to college.

Oh Shit.

I remember how I was in college.

I'm totally screwed.

Hmm...I wonder what the housing policies are on parents living in dorms?

Google, here I come!

Game On!

Last night was the kid's first softball game.

We had a slow start.

She spent most of the time in the outfield looking at the ground.  Or at the playground.  Or at the sky. She would occasionally take a gander at what was happening on the field.

But when she got up to bat...

She hit the ball!

So proud of her!!!!

We are so lucky to have such wonderful, supportive, positive coaches.  No matter how many times he had to tell her to "stand up" and "watch the game" and "be ready" he never once lost his patience with her.

Me on the other hand...

I had to bury my head in my blanket when during one of the last innings it looked like she was trying to moonwalk in the grass.

I know she'll get there.  And I know what I have to do.

Keep quiet and let the coaches do their jobs.

Even if it is so, so, so very, very, very hard.

Baby Steps. From A Really Tiny Baby. With Really Short Legs. And No Balance.

The kid was very excited for the schedule/chore chart.  When I handed it to her she said "let me review it...ok, good, ok, good.  I like it."  I guess when I said "very excited" I meant she "approved" of my work.

We did most of the things that we had listed for our evening routine.  We added some too.  The first necessary unnecessary edition was an episode of Wife Swap and the second unnecessary necessary edition was an hour to work on the incredibly expensive and not learning a thing about missions mission project (and then decided it looked crappy so we ripped everything out to start over again tonight).  We skipped dishes, straightening up the downstairs, getting the mail and working out.  Basically everything I hate doing. I need to step up my game.  I know.  But I'm trying.  I sorted laundry and carried it downstairs for goodness sakes!  That's a huge accomplishment for me!  I avoid laundry like the plague.  Tonight's big accomplishment will be Getting A Load In The Washer.

It was nice this morning not to have a fight about what pair of jeans she would wear (we did that last night when she was picking them out) or scrambling to find a matching pair of socks or having to drive 8 miles for a pair of shoes.  She even got up early this morning to let the dogs out (and promptly fell back asleep until it was time to get up).  I woke up at 6 and stayed in bed until about 6:40.  This may not sound like an improvement but it is.  I usually stay in bed until 6:59 and I have to leave my house around 7:30.

So we're taking baby steps.  Really, really, really tiny baby steps...but we'll get there....just like Bob Wiley did.

"Baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm in the elevator. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The Great Shoe Crisis of 2010 And The Events Leading Up To It

Missy had a hard week at daycare last week.  My husband is traveling again and that is always hard on her.  I've done a lot of introspection and I think it's probably because I do a shitty job of taking care of her just by myself.  Want to stay up late? Ok! McDonald's for dinner? Sure!  Eat in bed? Why not!  Working Mother Guilt - FTW!

Why the introspection?  Well I'd have to attribute that fully to the fact that I've been watching a lot of old episodes of Wife Swap lately.  Most of the people on there are certifiable but I'm a firm believer that you can learn from anybody (except maybe those people that ate an all raw diet - GAG).

What I've learned (that I already knew but just ignored because I hate it) is that kids crave structure (I'm not talking military-like make that bed perfectly or I'm tossing it outside structure.  I'm talking the at least put the comforter back on the bed or you're not getting a sticker type structure).  Our problem is that I'm not so good at every day routine stuff.  I'm very "go with the flow"...we get the basics done every night (homework, dinner, bath) but maybe not in the same order or in the same way each time. You want to do your homework while taking a bath? Ok!

I'm very big picture.  I'm pretty good at planning in general.  Our vacations have itineraries down to the minute, yo but it's because I find that exciting and different.   Having to fold and put away laundry...again...and again...and again...EVERY WEEK.  YOU GUYS laundry is NOT so exciting and different.

Last night my husband left for the airport and I let the kid stay up late so this morning she was a grump.  We were running late because I waited to the last minute to get out of bed and do my routine that I despise so I was also a grump.

I was rattling off things she needed to do, which irritates her to no end, when I remembered I hadn't signed her Friday progress report.  FOR THE RECORD: if I had remembered to check her Friday progress report on Friday instead of Monday morning I can guarantee that I would definitely not have a male Betta fish named Speedy happily swimming in his little tank on my kitchen counter right now.

To say I was not happy is an understatement.

I Was Not Happy.

With Capital Letters.

And Maybe An Exclamation Point Or Two.

Without going into the specifics...my daughter needs to do a better job of working with others...instead of trying to control them.

Part of it is her personality we (me) need to do a better job of helping her take that wonderful part of her personality to good use or else she'll likely be the First Woman Dictator of The United States of America. God Help Us All.

We managed to get past that discussion and downstairs when she realized that she had left her shoes at my parents house last night.

Shoes, that had then been on her feet when we left the house, would be at our house right now.

In her defense, she had switched to flip-flops so she did technically have shoes on her feet last night - they were just the wrong ones.  Flip-flops are a no-no at school and daycare but EUREKA! We had another pair of shoes she could wear!

When I suggested she wear them you would have thought I just told her I was feeding her new fish, Speedy, to one of our dogs.

The HORROR.

They are perfectly fine shoes.  I think they are Airwalks.  They have dark plaid design.  She was with me when I bought them at a shoe store that only sells the finest $4.99 sneakers but she had never worn them.  Despite how horrified and upset she was at the thought of wearing them she did put them on.  Did you guys know that shoes can actually FEEL LIKE STEEL?  I wasn't too convinced because when she hurled them at our front door, they bounced.

I was determined that she could just wear those shoes.  I told her that I WAS NOT going to drive 15 minutes to my parents house to get her shoes when she had BRAND NEW ONES on her feet.

She wore them out of the house and promptly tripped and fell on her face.  There were a lot of tears.  A LOT.

We got in the car and I drove to my parents house to get her shoes.  Which meant I had to drop her off at school instead of daycare.  Which meant I was later than I usually am for work.

Just like most kids she has bad days and good days.  I would say that most of the time she's a good kid.  She's always been sassy and temperamental and I've just dealt with it.  But when she starts to suffer at school and daycare it's time for more than just a stern talking to and getting her iPod taken away for a few days.  I know her hormones are raging...but we've got to get those bad boys in check.

The only way I can think of to get her back on the right track is to implement a routine. A dreaded routine. With rewards for completing her daily and weekly tasks.  Before anybody gets their panties in a wad, I'm going with positive reinforcement.  A simple chart where we will check off her responsibilities and will result in an allowance if they are done and no allowance if they are not done with special rewards for good behavior.

So...let me be the first to welcome you to Mrs. Smith's Wild Boring Ride!  It's back to basics in this house....unless my faithful Internet friends have better ideas?  Are there pills for this sort of thing?  Where can I get them?

The pills are for me.

The Last Few Days

Every time I sit down to write I just stare at a blank screen.  I decided that the best way to combat is to just start typing...so here it goes...

Thursday night my husband came home.  We missed him a lot.  He's been travelling every week and will for the next few months (robbers and murders beware: we have three Chihuahuas and an alarm system and a big gun in this house and I'm not afraid to use them.  Have you ever had a Chihuahua to the face?  Hmm?)

Friday night on the way home from my parents house we found a dog that had been hit by a car.  The blood was still covering the street.  The kid was upset when she saw it.  We turned around and sadly, there was no hope for it.  She didn't believe us and said that we could still save it so that was a tough conversation.  We called animal control so that it wouldn't have to be out there all night.

Saturday we tried to go out to breakfast but it took me too long to get ready so we ended up getting "fast" slow food at Farmer Boy's after going to Petco for dog food.  Oh and we also bought a Betta fish for the kid because we're suckers.  His name is Speedy.

Saturday was also supposed to be Opening Day for softball but was cancelled because of the expected rain.  We still had practice because it didn't call for rain until late in the afternoon.  It's been a loooong time since I was caught in the rain and after about an hour and half of practice I remembered what it was like.  Running to the car while carrying chairs and softball equipment with a kid that equates getting wet in anything EXCEPT a swimming suit as the end of the world was a lot more fun than it sounds.  After a quick change at home we went shopping for some non-essentials and then went to the movies with my family and visiting relatives.

We saw Alice in Wonderland.  My advice is to wait for the DVD.

This morning we dropped the kid off at my parents to visit while my husband and I ran errands.  I don't think I've been in that many stores in the last three months combined.  I was in the impulsive buying mood and hit the jackpot at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I found the Big Top Cupcake!  When I got to the check-out and also managed to somehow have a leopard print Snuggie in my cart I decided that I should limit my "As Seen On TV" purchases to one per shopping trip.  I chose being warm over a giant cupcake. Maybe next time.

After we finished all of our errands it was back to my parents to join in the Oscar fun.  I learned a lot about voting and counting and also made up my own categories.  I would have chosen Avatar to win both in the category of "Best use of the color blue" and "Best expensive remake of Fern Gully".  Also FOR THE RECORD it was my Mom who first mentioned to me that Avatar was just like Fern Gully.  My Mom.  The One Who Gave Birth To Me. (Was this enough credit Mom? :D)

Unfortunately we had to go before dinner was ready because my husband had to leave for the airport so I never got my prime rib and french onion soup.  We had Taco Bell instead which made the kid happy because she was not going to eat prime rib or french onion soup.  I was less than satisfied.

I ironed my husband hankies for him because he was running late and it made me feel useful and domestic.

I watched the end of the Oscars.  Tom Hanks, next year can you present all the awards?  Thanks.

And that brings us to right now.  Me, the kid, and one of our vicious, fierce, man-eating dogs laying in my bed watching old episodes of Wife Swap with all the doors and windows locked, alarm on, and doors reinforced with my secret weapon.

This week we have the kid's first game, lots of laundry to do, and a mission project to work on.

Did you have a good weekend?  What do you have going on this week?

New Approach to Blog Writing

I've decided I'm going to go easier on myself with this blog and at the same time try to be more authentic.

I know it's going to be hard.

I know I might write something that will cause someone (hi Mom!) concern.

I know I will write something that will make someone (hi Dad!) uncomfortable.

But I'm going to do it.

Because I spend a LOT of time finessing blog posts. No typos. Correct grammar usage. Not too many details. More details. And even after I do all of that I still find something that could have been better.

(Same thing with the design which I am not going to commit to not changing every 5 seconds until I get it right.)

It causes me great distress and it shouldn't have to be like that! This is my place to write what I want, how I want, and so I will.

Begging.

Every time we sit down at our table, which is awkwardly situated next to a recliner in what is technically our family room, the dogs assume their positions.